Pai Gow Poker Rules
Pai Gow Poker is a combination of the ancient Chinese game of Pai Gow and the game of Poker. It is a rather simple game but is offers many strategic options. You can either go for the fast way and the quick win or play conservatively for little money and maximize your playing time. It is hard to win a lot of money in Pai Gow but on the other hand it is also hard to lose a lot of it.
The game is played with a deck of 52 cards, including one joker. This joker is a wild card but it can only be used as an Ace or to complete a Straight, Straight Flush or Royal Flush. Ranks and values of the hands are the same as in basic Poker. After you place your bet, simply done by placing a chip in front of you on the table, each player and the dealer will get seven cards. Now you have to split up your seven cards into two hands. One hand with five cards and one with two cards. The only thing you always have to consider when splitting up your hand is: the five card hand must always outrank the two card hand.
For instance: You have a pair of fives and a pair of sevens in your original hand. The pair of fives must go into the two card hand and the sevens have to be in the five card hand. If your two card hand ranks higher than your five cards you automatically lose the game. Once all the players have arranged their cards the dealer will turn over his cards and split them up as well. He must also arrange them in the same way you just did, with the five cards higher than the two. The objective of the game is for both of the players hands to rank higher than both of the dealers hands. After the dealer has split up his cards he starts to compare his cards with the players hands in turn.
The Pai Gow player's two-card (low) must now beat the dealer's two-card hand and the player's five cards (high) must also beat the dealers five card hand. Only then you win. If your low-card beats the dealers low-card and loses on the high-card, or reversed, it is considered a push. In case of a push, which very often happens, no money will be exchanged and the hand is over. If either one of your hands rank the same as the dealer's it is called a tie. The dealer wins all the ties.
Since in this system lots of hands end up with a push, especially with low-cards, the casino does not make so much money out of it as it would like. So the casino charges a 5% commission on any winning bet. No commission is charged on a push or a lost bet. Most casinos want the commission right away. This means in case you win your game you have to throw the dealer a quarter on a five dollar win. You will only win $4.75. Other casinos keep track of the money you owe and you can settle up when you leave the table.
Casino Jokes
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, "Gambling."
"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"
"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.
"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.
"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"
"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.
"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."
President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. We learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette. President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette is a dangerous game!"
The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and in paraded a half dozen, magnificently built women who immediate shrugged off their garb. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton.
As you can well imagine, THIS got Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How is this related to Russian roulette?"
The African leader smiled evilly, leaned towards Clinton and in a soft, even voice said "One of them is a cannibal."
Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
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